Whilst at Thomas Cook last Thursday/Monday booking my bi-annual holiday to Malaga, I came across this brochure. I didnt't know what to make of the literature:

Well once again a wave goodbye and a waving handkerchief with the words "for sale only as a part of a packet. Not to be sold separately" stitched into it. As the train leaves, and the engine screeches as it strains to haul itself forward and away, after a group of fat tourists just got on at the last stop, I breathe a sigh of distinct sorrow as the cock crows and the waves collapse around my upright torso. Oh me, when will such woe cease to torment me, cease to pain me around my upper thigh region.
Farewell, ciao, auf weider(stain), au revoir, adieu and farewell encore again. bye my sincere friends of mine, thine honour intact and thy shoes tightly laced. I leave behind a token of my gratitude. BEHOLD the world's longest Bread and Butter pudding. There is one condition. You must eat it hanging upside down from a chandelier which itself incorporates a sliced melon and a backward pineapple into its decor. You have no more than 36 seconds to devour it in all its splendour, and the first one to find one of 3 glazed rats tails wins the grand prize: An all expenses trip for 3 to the only surviving cannibalistic colony at the heart of the South American jungle:
You will be taken by helicopter to the region, where you will be dropped by the aid of parachutes upon one of the regions greatest assets: the Fandangdo river. But beware holiday-makers, not to upset any of the several alligators infesting the river. They usually don't take to kindly to our starting point and can eat you if they get upset.
You will then have to make your way to your hotel with the aid of our customised map incorporating pop-up features and over 1600 different shades of colour. The hotel is run by the only non-cannibalistic native, Brian. We guarantee all will be to your liking. The two bedrooms have adjoining doors and overlook the kippo canyon, a common and surprisingly well known burial ground for over-the-hill wilderbeast.
Please take time to review the extensive brunch service available. This will be the perfect opportunity to taste the traditional delicacies of the area, lovingly prepared but you host, Brian, to really hit home the sheer enormity of the region's cultural offerings.
On Tuesday, it will be raining and slightly overcast, We therefore suggest you take this time to acquaint yourselves with suitable hiding places around the hotel, in preparation for any unforseen surprise attacks by the cannibalistic natives hounding for your guts and livers for their Sunday morning fry-up. Other than this you can sample the sonor delights of the regions very own Acid Techno ring. Ever since the early 1600's Acid Techno has been a popular feature at the natives virgin slaughters, feet feasts and body banquets. Now you can re-live the ancient experience in the comfort of the hotel's very own laundry basket. If you need any help with operating the Acid Techno ring, feel free to contact Brian. If Brian has been eaten or is missing, then you can refer to the owner's handbook located under the B-day.
If you are still alive on Wednesday, you could take a stroll to the natives' huts where they will no doubt welcome you with open, watering mouths. Or, if you desire a more quiet day you could take a short walk to the neighbouring region, where as a greeting they will cut off your ears.
If still in doubt please contact us at 1-0800-OLLIEELSDON or visit us at www.classybantur.com.