"Better than Botox" an ad says.

What can be better than looking a bit younger for a lot of money for about four days, and then going back to repeat the procedure over and over lest anyone find out that you, a 60 year old, might have a natural expression line on your face.

A few thousand pounds is a small price to pay for the loss of your dignity, the assertion of your vanity and becoming just another bland faced humanoid-societal victim hybrid. They should have had the foresight to take care of themselves 30 years back instead of snorting assorted powers and having rancid sexual encounters with multiple dirty "producers"

Then its only a matter of time until botox won't work, your skin sags and you have to get a surgical facelift. The doctor might also suggest knee augmentation and tricep extensions.

At the dentist yesterday, the guy asked told me about getting laser teeth whitening. He said my teeth are white, but laser whitening is very good. I was so pissed off cos I pride myself on the appearance and whiteness of my teeth. When in doubt which is often due to psychological concerns I use rembrant peroxide toothpastes, colgate and rembrant whitening strips, which are all safe and effective. Son of a bitch didnt even have good teeth himself. Its like a morbidly obese personal trainer.

i am listening to Goblin "oblio" as i write this, take from the original Dawn of the Dead Soundtrack. Goblin also did the music for Dario Argento movies among others. They are meant to be be some kind of Italian punk band, but much of their music music is beautiful in all it electro glory. Especially the one I am listening to now.

So extreme films. usually not nearly as gory as your average Hollywood actioner, but undeniably more disturbing. I haven't seen too many myself. Most produced out of Japan and suchlike. Any American equivalents tend to be Hostel or Saw types which are vacuous excuses for tortures devoid of meaning or cinematic relevance, which makes you wonder about how mentally sick the makers are themselves
These are some of the the extreme films I have seen, which are innovative, exciting and actually films:

ICHI THE KILLER
From the man who went on to make "Audition" and "Gozu", comes a film whose frenetic opening sequence already gives us some impression that this director has style, verve and energy. That the energy is directed into putting together so of the most insane images on film is not expected but executed so well is form as well as special effects that it is hard not to be compelled. The film concerns a really nice lad Ichi. A sensitive, vulnerable chap, he is brainwashed and shamed to the point of psychotic anger by his scruffy gangster guardian/uncle into going around disposing of enemies. Ichi dressed like a superhero equipped with martial art move and razor sharp add ons to his shoes, not only disposes of his uncle's? enemies but completely dessimates, disembowels and turns humans into piles of guts.
Ichi becomes something of a legend amongst the rivaling gangs, especially to the uber efficient and uber sado-masochistic right hand man of the opposing boss who develops a fascination with the elusive Ichi. Now this guy is not insane, just really into harming others as well as himself. A charismatic, fearful, brutally efficient livewire, he blows cigarette smoke out of two self inflicted slits in his cheek, goads people to beat him to a pulp, cuts his own tongue off, swallows a mans fist and rips off its flesh leaving just the skeletal hand, and engages in torture whilst making tempura.
This was the first movie to excite me stylistic in a long time. Brilliant shots, editing, beautiful set ups. The movie doesn't take itself too seriously, and has a retains sense of humour throughout, even though some of the more brutal scenes do undoubtedly shock. In fact some of the film is so barmy, its downright hilarious.
However, we do feel for Ichi, the central character, who is in so much psychological turmoil at what his is doing quite against his wishes, but forced to do so nonetheless. He often is crying as he slices and dices up gang members, and pleads with his uncle to stop making him do this. He is a shy, inept and sad. The ending for all its craziness packs in an emotional kick.

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
Wes Craven has done some good stuff- Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream...And a lot of rubbish I'm sure by titles alone. This however one of his first films will stick with me forever. I rented it thinking it was the 'Hills Have Eyes'. So for the first hour I was expecting mutants to come out and cause appropriate havoc. But they didn't.
The first portion we are lulled into an almost family movie type atmosphere with an innocent daughter making preparations to go off with her slightly more mischievous friend to a rock concert. its all quite wholesome. Then they try and score some pot and end up being kidnapped by a bunch of escaped convicts.
The rest of the film is about how low humanity can go. These convicts are psychopaths and the torture and beyond they dish out to the girls is so disturbing because the torturers' personalities have been so well developed through the film. All that remains is just the why? Not like in torture in yes again, Hostel or Saw today where you don't really see the psychos, so are kept at a distance from that which is more disturbing that the violence itself. The why? behind it. And as opposed to a shitty childhood etc.. these killers are given rounded features, but yet engage in the activities they do as we watch them descend further into the dark than they intended themselves. As Wes Craven says in the extras, at one particular climatic act or depravity the killer descend to, there was complete silence on set. He says he knew they had gone to a place so dark in humanity on film that he would never go to or want to again.

CANNIBAL FEROX
With the spate of found footage horror movies out now, one must pay homage to the original movie of that genre. This movie is about a team of documentary makers who go to the Amazon to film local tribes. they end up upsetting some cannibals they are filming and well, you can imagine the rest. Well I don't know if you can.
It was so extreme the filmmakers were arrested on release, and it was banned in many many countries. I can't imagine finding an original cut anywhere. Anyways this film, or the hype that goes with it has scared me so much i can't bring myself to watch it for my own wellbeing. I am so intrigued by it, but am so worried simultaneously about being overwhelmed or indeed underwhelmed by something that is supposed to represent the most extreme in cinema. I think I'll let it lie on a dusty pedestal for a bit longer until curiousity gets the better of me.

Its 4:01 am. I am 28. I am at home in Bromley. on the internet. Things weren't meant to be like this at sl. What happened to the little genius in tights shorts and purple blazer who graced the streets of Bickley with reserved yet witty banter and missile precision academic prowess? Do I blame the OCD, BDD, BPD, Axis I, II or III diagnoses. Or do I blame myself. Or a thrid unknown? Or do I bear it like a bed of nails.
Here are some films I made in between being sick (tone shifts to more cheery):

My First no-budget film. Watch it!

A short/commercial I did for Krups. I think its out of sync. maybe not. if it is you can see it on www.espressoshorts.com

OR

A hurried, no budget music video for Goran Bregovic's "sex"

This actually was a film made with money during a short film course. This version cuts off right at the last word. I'll call it an alternate ending:

Self indulgent list of Favourite things:

Films
A Clockwork Orange
Heathers
Midnight Cowboy
Martin
No Country For Old Men
Eraserhead
Bananas

Songs/Tunes/Loops/Aggressive Techno
Akufen - Skidoos
Felix Da Housecat - What Does it Feel Like (Royksopp Rmx)
Matthew Herbert - The Audience
High Contrast -Return of Forever (Swell Session rmx)
Quantic - Prelude to A Happening
BBG- Snappiness (sweet instumental)
Pepe Bradock - Life
Junk Project - Composure
Future Sound Of London - Papua New Guinea
London Elektricity -Main ingredient & Rewind
Yann Tiersen - Les Valse D'Amelie (Piano)
Jon Brion - Eternal Sunshine Theme
Cinematic orchestra - Time and Space
Skinny Puppy - Assimilate
4 Hero - Les Fleurs

Places:
Pettenasco (Italy
Manhattan, New York, New york, New York.
Prague
Maine

Animals:
Penguins
Marmosets
Squirrels
Monkeys
Great White Sharks

Airlines:
Virgin Atlantic

Fish to eat
Seabass

Skincare Product
Garnier

DJ's
Andy C
Dave Clarke
Richie Hawtin

Short Film
'For Our Man' by Kazuo Ohno

TV shows:
Larry Sanders, Arrested Development, Seinfeld, OZ, South Park, The Day Today, Jam.

Actresses:
Patricia Arquette, Jodie Foster, Catherine Keener, Portia di Rossi, Diora Baird, Sarah Silverman, Sophie Marceau, Big Suze from Peep Show

Actors:
Edward Norton, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bruce Campbell, Harrison Ford, Woody Allen, Mark Walhberg, Jack Lemmon, Javier Bardem, Marlon Brando.

Magazine Celebrities:
None

Condiments:
Chutneys, Ketchup, soy sauce, jam, everything else.

People I don't like at the moment:
Halle Berry
Sophie Anderton
Pop Divas - Mariah Care and the likes (eg. J-Lo)

Whilst at Thomas Cook last Thursday/Monday booking my bi-annual holiday to Malaga, I came across this brochure. I didnt't know what to make of the literature:

Well once again a wave goodbye and a waving handkerchief with the words "for sale only as a part of a packet. Not to be sold separately" stitched into it. As the train leaves, and the engine screeches as it strains to haul itself forward and away, after a group of fat tourists just got on at the last stop, I breathe a sigh of distinct sorrow as the cock crows and the waves collapse around my upright torso. Oh me, when will such woe cease to torment me, cease to pain me around my upper thigh region.
Farewell, ciao, auf weider(stain), au revoir, adieu and farewell encore again. bye my sincere friends of mine, thine honour intact and thy shoes tightly laced. I leave behind a token of my gratitude. BEHOLD the world's longest Bread and Butter pudding. There is one condition. You must eat it hanging upside down from a chandelier which itself incorporates a sliced melon and a backward pineapple into its decor. You have no more than 36 seconds to devour it in all its splendour, and the first one to find one of 3 glazed rats tails wins the grand prize: An all expenses trip for 3 to the only surviving cannibalistic colony at the heart of the South American jungle:
You will be taken by helicopter to the region, where you will be dropped by the aid of parachutes upon one of the regions greatest assets: the Fandangdo river. But beware holiday-makers, not to upset any of the several alligators infesting the river. They usually don't take to kindly to our starting point and can eat you if they get upset.
You will then have to make your way to your hotel with the aid of our customised map incorporating pop-up features and over 1600 different shades of colour. The hotel is run by the only non-cannibalistic native, Brian. We guarantee all will be to your liking. The two bedrooms have adjoining doors and overlook the kippo canyon, a common and surprisingly well known burial ground for over-the-hill wilderbeast.
Please take time to review the extensive brunch service available. This will be the perfect opportunity to taste the traditional delicacies of the area, lovingly prepared but you host, Brian, to really hit home the sheer enormity of the region's cultural offerings.
On Tuesday, it will be raining and slightly overcast, We therefore suggest you take this time to acquaint yourselves with suitable hiding places around the hotel, in preparation for any unforseen surprise attacks by the cannibalistic natives hounding for your guts and livers for their Sunday morning fry-up. Other than this you can sample the sonor delights of the regions very own Acid Techno ring. Ever since the early 1600's Acid Techno has been a popular feature at the natives virgin slaughters, feet feasts and body banquets. Now you can re-live the ancient experience in the comfort of the hotel's very own laundry basket. If you need any help with operating the Acid Techno ring, feel free to contact Brian. If Brian has been eaten or is missing, then you can refer to the owner's handbook located under the B-day.
If you are still alive on Wednesday, you could take a stroll to the natives' huts where they will no doubt welcome you with open, watering mouths. Or, if you desire a more quiet day you could take a short walk to the neighbouring region, where as a greeting they will cut off your ears.
If still in doubt please contact us at 1-0800-OLLIEELSDON or visit us at www.classybantur.com.

SEDGEWICK AND THE ANGRY GRINCH

There was Sedgewick, that's to say Boris, and we were making up our minds what to do with the evening. I was in Harrods which sold butterscotch, perfumes and carpets. Harrods is owned by a multi m/billionaire, not surprisingly, so i decided to go ask him for the money i needed to pay off the postman next tuesday. The postman was a sort of door to door mobster, so when he said i know where you live, he really did. And i owed him 1500 dollars in back payment accrued over the course of 3 months when i was holidaying in florence and stupidly forgot to freeze my account. Orwell, the postman, was quite a likable chap. always brought us christmas cards when it was christmas, and sometimes fed our cats when we were away. By 'we' I mean me, cos I live alone and have done so since i was 3, when my parents decided I was old enough to take care of myself. Fortunately, I was a very good cook, and so had little trouble keeping myself nourished until i was 11 and had to go to school.
School was hard. Quite literally. My school was made out of lead, on account of the ex ex ex principal who decided that lead was a more chemically viable element than, let's say cement, to make big things out of. Apparently, he knocked down his house and rebuilt it out of lead with his own hands four years later. but then maybe it was just idle gossip. For there was a lot of such rumors circulating the darkened hallways of Chastity elementary, partly because we could never find the way out of the labyrinth style set up, and had nothing else to do.
One suggestion for the night was an evening paraglide over the local lake 'Utopia'. But i was afraid of heights and Frank was afraid of lakes. I suggested going to the local pub to drink 7 glasses of cabernet in under 4 minutes each, but Frank said that would remind him too much of lakes. So we we unanimously decided to go knocking on people's houses door to door until bedtime.
it was about 46 degrees out so we dressed in blue heavy raincoats. then we went to Macaroon Street to see what was going on inside number 93. The lady who answered was quite sweet, about 99 years old and was eating pizza. She said "yes". So i said "correct", and then we talked about pigeons and jesus for a hour.
Houses 94-98 didn't answer. It was already 9:50 and frank had to be up early for pilates at 7 the next morning, so we had to hurry and wrap things up. Number 99. knock, knock. "who's there?" "Hamish, Frank and Sedgewick" i said . "Oh ok"
The door opened "who are you?" a man who looked exactly like the grinch said. Frank was dumbfounded by the green coarse texture of the skin. I with the red and white hat. "well come in then" he snapped and led us into his house which looked more like a lair. There was sawdust and cotton wool everywhere which was weird because the two usually don't go together. Not like eggs and beans, or rum and coke. "I'm Henry" the grinch said from behind a wall which i think was the kitchen. He bought out four cups and then a big pot of green coloured beer. "I dyed this for halloween" he said "but i have tonnes left over". So me and hamish ( not frank ) had some dyed green Sam Adams light and made ourselves comfortable against a giant egg shaped cushion. The grinch didn't say much as we sipped our drinks. It tasted good, only he was staring at us a lot from his velvet covered rocking chair. "So, Henry" I asked, "ever been paragliding over 'Utopia' The grinch didn't flinch and Hamish gave me a pinch. He looked at me with an expression that either said "i think this grinch is weird and i want to leave" or "i need the bathroom, can you ask where it is?" "Excuse me, do you have a bathroom we could use" The grinch swooped up and out of his chair, his robe swishing like a cape. we followed him through the clouded corridor from afar. Without looking back to check on us he pulled open a large black and white door and headed down into the seedy darkness below. Our brains told us to leave, but our bladders told us otherwise, so we followed hesitantly. We had been walking through this tunnel for about 5 minutes which then opened up into a cave. Frank thought he saw a bat. No natural light penetrated, except the candle the grinch was leading with, with softly lit up the cave. Frank heard a growl. I felt a liquid like substance drop onto my right ear. Hamish saw fleeting shadows. But the grinch persisted further and further into to enormous cave not hesitating once as he did so. 10 yards later he stopped dead. hamish bumped into me as i halted. The grinch slowly turned his head around, and with his right arm pointed out to the left. "There you go, he chirped. you might have to pump the flush a bit to make it work." And so we had reached the bathroom, as the printed word "Bathroom" on the door said. Hamish really needed to go and went in first followed by frank, who came out with a big smile. They started chatting to the grinch about the Giants' game two weeks ago, as i went into the bathroom, which was mild pink, very clean and shiny, with chrome faucets and handles, some complimentary toiletries for guests, and a Moose Crossing road sign. What a lovely bathroom i thought as i relieved myself.

Reviews of movies. They call them B-movies, but i consider them forward looking movies that studios don't get and so don't give money to.

RE-ANIMATOR
Now this I saw a long time ago, on my computer in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and a film I liked enough to watch the first 5 minutes of commentary. A B movie yes, but a well done one. The film builds nicely and the bloodlust is surprisingly novel, silly but satisfying. There is even a peculiarly arousing scene involving the naked heroine forced upon by a fellating disembodied head. Very cult. Enjoyable. There are several sequels I think. Some are apparently good. I will not expand on this.

These are cutting edge television shows that many people esp. in the UK haven't seen. But you must, unless I state otherwise:

LARRY SANDERS:
Now this is a gem. A real gem that's buried so deep in earth that you really have to hire a jackhammer and Daniel Day-Lewis out to find or even hear about it these days. Larry Sanders is the for runner and indeed inspiration behind 'The Office', 'Curb your Enthusiasm'many a mockumentary and so much more. Indeed, Ricky Gervais interviewed Garry Shandling (Larry Sanders, in one of the most awkward interviews ever.
It is the behind the scenes story of a neurotic talk show host, ground-breaking for its time, that guests like Sharon Stone, Jim Carrey, Alec Baldwin, Jon Stewart and Ellen Degeneres fought to get on the show as themselves and make fun of themselves. It also boasts some of the finest comedic talent when they were young fresh faced and relatively unknown including Jeremy Piven, Janeanne Garofalo, Jeffery Tambor and Rip Torn.
There are key moments of absolute hilarity but always ingrained within character and always with a deeper subtext. The final episode is almost tearsome. You feel for the characters in between all the mayhem. And a more exposing insight into showbusiness there has not been. This show was the flagship series for the then new HBO, and single handedly made it.
They'll never make something like this again. Then again they'll never make El Dorado again

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT:
If you haven't seen it, you must. If you don't like it, I'm not sure we'll get along. It is sprawling frenetic genius. Comedy, acting, form, style, slapstick done to new dizzy heights of perfection, intellect and eye popping mastery. No wonder Fox cancelled it.
I have watched every episode at least 6 times, even when I do have a life. Sparkling, crackling, fuzzbang. too many words that are too slight to adequately describe it. This has to be the finest comedy ever to be produced on television. It will forever go down in history as such for being prematurely terminated. Not that that makes it ok. Just leaves you salivating for more. It is good to see alot of the stars going onto movies such as Michael Cera. The combined comic talents of the cast and the visionary story and script is something to be savoured.

This is my first post. Do you like it?
Here is one of those old fill in the pointless questions which seemed so popular back in the early days of the internet, only to be super ceded by networking sites and more advanced internet type thingys.
Here is one I completed 7 years ago. Delete my answers and write your own. you will be amazed how much you find out about yourself. About 60 pounds of psychotherapies' worth in my opinion:

>1. What time is it: 24:17 (05:17 GMT)
>
>2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate: test case 69:R.O.G.E.R
>
>3. Nicknames: test tube baby, genetically engineered human, fridge magnet, ALfred
>
>4. Parents' names: Perspex, hans himmler
>
>5. Number of candles that appeared on your last
>
>birthday cake? a rake
>
>6. Date that you regularly blow them out? the days my lungs get back from the dry cleaners
>
>7. Pets: none, a hairy cabbage called egbert talks to me sometimes.
>
>8. Height:6ft
>
>9. Eye colour? melon
>
>10. Hair Colour: cantoloupe
>
>11. Piercing? bi-sexual
>
>12. Tattoos? semi-detached
>
>13. How much do you love your job? 9 and half pints
>
>14. Birthplace: fridge 5, lower floor, ealing
>
>15. Hometown: lake sedgewick
>
>16. Current Residence:
>
>17. Been in love before? pending
>
>18. Been to Europe? I was born in Europe
>
>19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry?only when she applied the clamps
>
>22. Been in a car crash? no
>
>23. Croutons or Bacon Bits? Is it illegal to enjoy both simultaneously, rendering this overused question futile and in need of renovation
>
>24. 2 doors or 4 (on a car)?there should be one on the roof
>
>25. Coffee or Ice Cream? stuffed animals
>
>26. Blanket or Stuffed Animal? stuffing animals in a blanket and throwing them over the side of a helium balloon
>
>27. Dumper or Dumpie? salmon
>
>28. Favourite Salad Dressing: super wine-o's dairy o rama
>
>29 seems to have disappeared: my right shoulder, alan
>
>30. Lucky Number:
>
>31. Favourite Movie: Twins was based on me. So was Star wars
>
>32. Quote from a movie: "Super"
>
>33. Favourite Foods: leg of lamb
>
>34. Favourite Day of the Week: mon-thu 7-10. all day fri and sat
>
>35. Song Playing at the moment: Jamie Myerson-"rescue me"
>
>36. Favourite TV show: Oz, juniper jungle, anything with "sandman" in the title
>
>37. Favourite Toothpaste: ronsil's mahogany bleach setter
>
>38. Favourite Restaurant: get carter
>
>39. Favourite Flower: pansey
>
>40. Least Favourite Thing: platonic knit kittens
>
>41. Favourite Sport to Watch: Jewish winter wrestling
>
>42. Favourite Fast Food Restaurant: ming yaw's under 20 second sushi bar, with fried bear dancers
>
>43. When was your last hospital visit? My human assimilation check up in feb
>
>44. Favourite drink? liquefied barometers
>
>45. What colour is your bedroom carpet? no carpet
>
>46. How many times did you fail your Permit/Drivers test? I have a nervous disorder. my ears are red. my toes are dirty like wolves udders
>
>47. What do you think of Ouija boards?
>
>48. Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs? i
>
>49. Who is the last person that you got mail from before this one? James Pugh, eco-warrior, we salute thy plight soldier
>
>50. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? toppling over old lady's brolleys and scaring them with a framed picture
>
>51. Which single store would you choose to max your credit card? any tupperware establishment
>
>52. What do you do most often when you are bored?
>
>53. which words or phrases do you overuse? eunuch
>
>54. Friend who lives farthest away:
>
>55. Most annoying thing? cheap lego
>
>56. Best things: long frogs, hollow eggs
>
>57. Bedtime: almost
>
>58. Who will respond to this fastest: virgins
>
>59. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? dave angel
>
>60. What time is it now? time