So what happens when one is back from the dead? Live, I expect, or grab a delicious burger at www.juniperjumboslices.com.
What is living? That is a question dependent on the nature of the individual. However, there are some overwhelming characteristics that seem to be common and perservere in a typical (not your "rave head truned Bishop's") life.

Experience is one of the most glaring. By default life is experience. Therefore, the more we experience the more life we led. I hold to this day that I would rather go through a ton of crap, see highs and lows and take chances, than not to have. I did and if I were to die tomorrow I would assert I led a fulfilled life. It is ashame that the world has become so constrictive, or has it always been so? Reverse that. In fact, now more than ever we have chances to see new things, meet different people, try new things and go on adventures. Just spend 90 seconds on the internet and everything you ever dreamt is attainable.

So when life ceases to be interesting, what happens? Some may sit back and let it happen and cease to actually live despite working internal organs. Others may resort to pills for mind thrills. Others may not be able to bear it and wish to die.

So what is the natural course of action. Well, to make it interesting again would help. And if that means selling your wife or going to Wrestlemania this year, do so. For me, it shall be to see the world like never before. By actually seeing the world, instead of locomoting whilst being trapped in my head. Freefalling, whimsical, to the wilderness the better I say. Where your feelings and instincts lead you. Maybe that path tapped truly by few is the way to this blogger's particular salvation. The coming weeks plans will tell.

"Who's Your Daddy?"

Already a popular title in porn, this particular new fangled imminent blockbuster is gonna blow you away. Excuse the pun. Or pun-ishment should I say. Fo (intentional!) this film is incomprehensively, painfully, outrageosly, yet masterfully unique..... You didn't expect that.
Yes, "Who's you Daddy?" is THE best horror film, lest I say FILM to grace the screen, lest I say CINEMA since "Citizen Percutane" lest I say crane.

Bloody hell I was scared. I had to pull off a lady's wig to stay in my seat at hour 1:16. The creepiness is in the wizards and the fuckinining dolls (thank god "The Times" didn't hire me)and it is so well done, you would have never expected it coming.
I couldn't sleep the entire night. I had to put on the light, the landing light, the TV and the radio. It doesn't matter that I've been doing that since I was 11, it still counts.

The plot revolves around nothing at all to do with paternal interest, rather than a psychotic, mistreated and mis-enhanced transsexual wreaking revenge on a lot of people. About 96 to be precise.

Then it ends on a peculiar feel-good high, "Jerry Maguire" stylee!

Baffling!

So this is my final entry (no it is not)to an already short running blog. Thank you for reading. I am off for a while. For good really. So I shall leave you with some recommendations I have accrued over my 28 years of life:

FILMS: Of course this has to be No. 1. Well my top 3 first "A Clockwork Orange" - an obvious must, "Midnight Cowboy" forward thinking in form and execution, perfect story of an odd friendship generated in a merciless town. "Heathers" - If you have some level of not taking yourself and what your mother told you seriously, then you should be loving every frame, line and gesture in this monumental teen high school very dark comedy.
The Rest:
-Eraserhead
-Dead Man
-Days of Heaven
-One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
-Dawn of the Dead (original)
-Annie Hall
-Manhattan
-Your Friends and Neighbours
-The Apartment
-Kind Hearts and Coronets
-Roger Dodger
-No Country For Old Men
-Life of Brian
-Martin
-Apocalypse Now
-28 Days Later
-Trainspotting
-Wild At Heart
-There Will Be Blood
-La Haine
-Taxi Driver

MUSIC:
Well, I am not really into popular music so here are a few suggestions:
Drum'n'Bass - Any Andy C, DJ Marky, DJ Zinc, High Contrast, London Elekricity CD or liveset
Techno- Anything by Dave Clarke, Derrick May, Richie Hawtin.
House - Ian Pooley, Nick Warren.

Tunes:
Akufen- Skidoos
Felix Da housecat - What Does It Feel Like (Royskopp remix)
Matthew Herbert- The Audience
Underworld- Dirty Epic
Pepe Bradock- Life
Galaxy 2 Galaxy - Hi-Tek Jazz/Transition
Way out West- Mindcircus
The Zombies- She's not there
Goran Bregovic- Tale V
RJD2-Smoke & mirrors
The Prodigy- 3 Kilos
Beethoven- Mignight Sonata
Agoria- I'm simply not there (Youngsters remix)
Burial- Homeless
High Contrast- Return of Forever (Swell Session Remix)
Beach Boys- God only knows
Simon & Garfunkel- Sound of Silence
Junk Project- Composure
Ennio Morricone- The Ecsatcy of Gold
The Beatles- I am the Walrus
The Beatles- Strawberry Fields Forever
The Go! Team- Hold Yr Terror Close
Goblin- Oblio
Tangerine Dream- Love on a real Train
Quantic- Prelude to a happening
Sebastien Tellier- La Ritournelle
Rythim is Rhythim- It is what it is
Skinny Puppy- Assimilate
BBG- Snappiness (sweet instrumental)
Greece 2000- 3 drives on vinyl
Future Sound of London- Papua New Guinea
London Elektricity- Main Ingredient
London Elektricity- Remember the Future

PLACES TO GO"
NEW YORK- Motherfucker, are you insane! You need to go here. Specifically.....Every-fucking-where of your dull lives, cos its all better than anything you've experienced.
PRAGUE- Well avoid its 'Times Square' and you should be ok. I am in love with this city more than my own groin.
LAKE ORTA- Its in Italy somewhere. If you go there, trust me, the heavens' will open upon you and give you an everlasting gobstopper.
JUBILEE PARK- In Bickley, Kent, England. Someone cuts the grass now.

to be continued. Very much so.

You see I'm listening to house or is it disco. And from what era? I cant even tell. 70's, the milleniumm000''sssss??? Who knows..?
What I know is that it is without doubt groovy but with a blatantly generic riff. Basically pure shit.
It's on my Ipod so I should have had a hand in its selection. Ok its "Nookie Feat Deezim". A Drum and Bass producer doing a house track to eclecticzize his album. Well sandwiched in-between dirty breakbeats and filthy, digusting DnB basslines, I am assuming it might well work.
I kind of want it to end though. Will it ever? It just did.

So, today I decided to imbide half a bottle of vodka and see what it does to my typing abiliy, wghichj it is having a remarkable affect on. I am actuallly still correcting words yest everything is coing out wrong. I should have watched "coming To America" on Demand instead. Fail safe. Eddie Murphy. Even better, Trading places. I suggest highly. The "Kings of convenience " are quite nice.

Sorrow. Topic of today. I have experienced a lot of sorrow in my life. In fact, I never knew I had until recently. Sorrow though has plagued my life like a slightly dislocated left elbow. And thus the reasoning behind, as well as at the very forefront of this entry into the blog, that is mine apparently.
So there are, let us say, five features of sorrow
1.) Absolute yearning and utter "fuck me" at what has happened.
2.) Acceptance at whatever has happened, has happened for a reason that is not great but can't be helped
3.) A brilliant addition to the repertoire of emotions that one can experience in a lifetime, thus making it salivating worthy.
4.)Religious sect nonsensense, that, by the preceding sentence, has relegated anyone believing in it being a sign from a higher power, being a bunch of arse
5.) Just pure sadness. Sorrow. Upest. Wishing things didn't have to be this way. Why does the world have to be so cruel.

The answer to all these, I do not have unfortunately, because I lost it fighting a figment of my imagintaion in Primark/Walmart.

But one can conclude that sorrow is an universal emotion done absolute injustice by this post. An emotion that incoporates sadness and regret. An emotion that is hard to overcome without alcohol, benzos, women and entire seasons of OZ. An emotional state that I personally don't know how to deal with since I spent my whole life making sure I blocked it out, until the Psychologists' got hold of me.

Nightlife Review
Staying in at my parent's house:

I have done a bit of this over the years. I must say, it has had varying results. Unlike some parents who smoke pot, snort amphetamines, laugh and even converse with their children, my parents and I enjoy avoidance, not mentioning anything other than becoming a professional doctor, and shouting over why the pistachios aren't laid out right for the non-existant guests.
I give last Friday night a thumbs down. Yes, the house was looking beautiful thanks to our Polish cleaner- (the first cleaner who I am not paranoid about the ongoing conspiracy of my being dropped toothbrush and not disinfected). The night outside was even non-offensive.
However, as I donned my nightdress for the expectant 5 hours of relaxation and being a hardcore bum, the screaming started. It was in Hindi so I didn't understand it. But it probably was to do about why my mother used an erroneous pronoun. Whatever, this continued as I sat in bed and stared at the wall thinking of what to do. Television seemed a great option.
Although I have been down on English TV since returning from America, there must be something on. Maybe I'll get lucky with a triple bill of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". So 30 minutes later having prepared myself by getting out of bed and walking the 15 metres to the living room, I see that my parents have occupied the room.
This poses two problems. Firstly I shouldn't have blown the fuse on our American TV by plugging it in without an adaptor, thus reducing us to a single TV house. I take full responsibility for that. Secondly however, Virgin media offers a 4 Indian channel package each worse than the other. And no matter how loud, obnoxious and terrible the program is, the fact that it is Indian is enough for my parents to bear and enjoy it. I am being honest when I say, I can't sit down in the room for more than 3 minutes without getting so agitated I have to leave. Just the editing alone on some of the shows is enough to bother me.
So no TV, despite my mother's begging to come sit down and spend time with the woman that carried me in her womb for 9 months. My dad didn't care and said something in Hindi like "To hell with the little son of a bitch"
Next, the internet. Well, everyone is out because its Friday night, so no online exchanges. I cant find anything that is interesting. And the internet intimidates me anyway. Oh! I downloaded 'Southland Tales" it dawns on me. Apparently its crap, but its by Donnie Darko's director Richard Kelly so has to have something. But a committment to an entire film is too much at this point.
Option #3: A book. I don't read well. And the only books are from my childhood and things like "Bill Cosby: Time Flies"
Food- well this is a fail-safe. There is always food at my parents. I like eating there like I'm at a sampling soiree. A bit of Indian food, some bread, beans, crackers and 3 types of cheese, biscuits, mix of cereal, peanuts, chocolate, and pasta sauce on anything and all. So I gorge on that, wish I could make myself throw up and then convince myself it will all turn to muscle.
I realise I maybe should have gone out to the pub, a friend's house or at least a walk in an excitingly scary park.
So barely two hours into my night out staying in at my parents, I have to pop three sleeping pills and hope they work bloody fast.

Rating 2/10 (can vary depending on parents)

John Barnes presents "An American Tail 3: Fievel Goes East" -
The legendary footballer funded the entire animation stating that in 'American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West', it didn't really work out for him, so let's see what happens when he goes East.

"The Winter of my Summer of lily and discontent Revisited" -
Beautiful period photography. Gorgeous set design. Elaborate costumes. Great acting. Deep soulful meaning. So utterly boring the studio had to cut it down to 6 minutes after test sceenings.

"The Adventures of Michael Von Stratchan-Dalton during his year off boating around and around and around until he ran out of petrol and got depressed" -
The title says it all

"At the Risk of Chaos: A tale of Erotica, Mystery, Disco and Horticulture" -
Excitingly eclectic weave of themes, characters and styles. Made absolutely no sense in hindsight.

"Colin Farrell has never been hairier"
"My cat ate his own leg out of fear"

Yes, the new skin crawling, sleep reducing Japanese horror remake has landed:
"The Newspaper". But with a twist. Its a two for one deal. A horror AND a 'let's root for the underdog' style drama.
First off, the horror. Everyone that reads an article on page 6 of the 'Daily Post' about a recent tradegy, has an impending doom happen to them within 12 hours 43 minutes. And their own misfortune is featured in the newspaper the very next day.
Colin Farell is memerizing as the down on his luck ricksaw peddler, who drunkenly (and possibly on Meth) drives through the door of a remote abandoned warehouse, then through 4 stone walls (he was very drunk). He uncovers a room containing a mysterious trunk which itself contains nothing but a sinisterly dusty newspaper from 1904.
Thus he unleahes the curse. From then on his relatives, avid readers of the 'Daily Post', are knocked off in various unsavourary ways: his mother choking on her afternoon scone, his hippie brother impaled by an organic cucumber, his father eaten alive by the very shark he just caught fishing.
Love interest Jessica Alba is typically vacuous, her bony structure barely visible against the murky background lighting. Her role is negligable except for 4 screams and an "its over there". Then she and Colin screw in an alleyway in an unscripted scene, apparently improvised by Farrell, a true master of his art.
Colin increasingly worrying about his own fate and why he hasnt died yet must uncover for himself that he is actually a 4000 year old outerplanetary alien hybrid who holds the succession to a possible new universe. Or save the current one. He chooses the latter because his is lazy. His task is to land a job at 'The Times' and write a front page article warning the world of the impending doom.
From here on the film takes the tone of drama-farce, and completely does away with the horror. In place of ancient curses, mystical happenings and universal strife, Colin now must deal with jealous colleagues, leaking pens and charm his way up the panties of the journalistic ladder of power.
A great expose on the dog eat dog world of journalism, Colin is perfectly cast as vulnerable in his lack of experience, but strong in his determination. By the end of the film we are all rooting for him to succeed, print his article against the company's strict deadline policies, and thus save the world.
The film also stars Samuel L. Jackson as a wise Igloo dweller with insight into the whole problem, and a knack for punctuation, and Mike Tyson as Mr. T.

Batmans Vs The Tinman

After the unprecedented success of 'Aliens vs Chiropractor', not least by John Hurt's Oscar nomination as "Alien on bus #2", studios Hollywood-wide jumped on the chance to make another box office smash. And so comes 'Batmans vs The Tinman'. And they were wrong.

The premise is that the Tinman was promised a heart by Batman so he could love Daisy, a leggy chick he met at happy hour. However, Batman, too busy cloning himself so he could spend more time catching up with his Tivo programming, completely forgot spaced on codeine, and the Tinman eventually lost Daisy to a man from Streatham named Swampthing.
This, the final straw for the unfortunate Tinman who is so upset by the injustice done to him, he greases up his axe and follows the yellow carpet leading right to the front door of his house. Thus starts his quest to find Batman and chop chop chop him up, a lot!

However, Batman has become Batmen (or 'Batmans'). About 55 in fact. Roaming about the new tourist trap (easyjet you see) that is Gotham city. They can be found queuing in Starbucks trying to blag a superhero discount, in Woolworths buying mega-packs of AA batteries, or being bullied by schoolchildren behind sheds.

The use of a man in a tin suit as opposed to a CGI version was a nice if suspiciously cheapskate touch. I like the fact that the Batmans were also in original Adam West tight leotards. A sincere, loveable homage to the originals, which are otherwise shamed by the remainder of the movie.

The rest of the film is straight forward. The Tinman has to fight wave after wave of Batmen in order to get to the original Bruce Wayne. The PG-13 rating reduces the gore to an infuriating minimum. How you cannot show some blood as the Tinman disembowels an enemy is beyond me. The direction from new boy, Angus Deayton is frenetic stylised nonsense. The camera movements are so disorientating one does not know where one is. I found myself in the women's toilet during one particularly action packed scene. The Tinman's axe is his only weapon and becomes tiresome, as does his constant re-oiling at Texaco. And at 5 hours the film is a little long.

The climax between Tinman and Batman is strangely low key. Afternoon tea discussing the pros and cons of superherodom. The fact that the Tinnman isnt a superhero and possesses no extraordinary powers is overlooked in the film. There is a moral to conclude that superheros' must sacrifice in order to do their jobs, and there is no happy ending for the tinman. Merely understanding, enlightenment and inner peace.
The film is out in 5 weeks and is rubbish.

Corsica
The land of rolling hills, Caribbean-esque beaches, untouched woodland trails, old women whose faces look like the aftemarth of an earthquake, and flesh eating Orcs.
Of course my trip was a bit off the beat and path, quite literally. There was no path to where I was staying in a highly remote farm. In exchange for food and accomodation in a cabin, I dug holes for about 5 hours a day. Me having a strange fascination with digging, most definitely from all the gangster films I watched when an infant, I chose this option in lieu of tending to the organic vegetable garden, setting up a solar shower, painting and suchlike. Also smashing into rocks and roots with an axe and mattock made me feel like a man. Just a bit though.
What I saw of Corsica was undeniably beautiful. The mountains were striking, and the beaches really were heavenly even out of season. My travelling was limited by my location, obligations and lack of public transport. I used a bike once which was a huge mistake in the 30 degree heat on roads so winding that you get a movement displacement high. The nearest phone was a 20 minte walk past a sheep farm and through woodland. The village included 1 shop, 6 bars, a pharmacy, and post office.
The drawbacks were that the notoriously unfriendly Corsicans were notoriously unfriendly. Passing some bars was scary. Even my oozing charm failed to bring a smile to a pregnant barmaid. Corsica is one of the only conutries without a Macdonald's. This is because if one is installed it will be blown up, quite simply. The nationalists in Corsica are so extreme they don't even like themselves. All roadsigns are in both French and the equivalent Corsican dialect. Many of the French signs are graffitied out. I hear that bombs going off in official places is not uncommon.
I did have a brief peak at the more touristy part on picking up 2 couples from Manchester on the way back to the airport. Even the heavier touristy places are tasteful and pretty. Corsica hasn't been tapped quite yet, unless the Manchunians get wind of it. Prices where apparently very high however according to my fellow holidaymakers, but that's what you get if you order rare animal dishes at 5 star hotels next to the sea.
Anyway, if you can find a cheap flight buy it, hire a car, try not to get in a crash, get a tan and see it before it turns into Times Square.

Andy C - Global Gathering 2005

If you wish to condense a perfect live set with a beginning, middle and end into 50 minutes, it cannot be beaten by this one right here.
I could listen to this set over and over. In fact I have. On the train in Brooklyn, in libraries, in hospitals, walking through London oblivious to oncoming buses, pumping iron at the local vanity factory and even going to bed.
Starts off with the MASSIVE 'Slam' by Pendulum, which I personally think is way over-hyped. But there is enough Andy C brand within mixing to make it bouncy and enjoyable, even a little, very cheeky drop of Fresh's 'All that Jazz'. Then into 'electro Boogie' by Dillinga I believe, before eventually the fantastic 'Feelings' by Shy FX drops and deservedly gets a rewind. From here the tone gets a bit lighter and a brilliant mix between Potential Badboy's 'Girls" into Sub Focus magnificent 'Famenco' is totally euphoric, I double rewind it myself on my Ipod. Andy C plays summery '3am' by Marcus intalex and High Contrast, and even finds time for an inoffensive drum'n'bass mix of Layo & Bushwacka's anthem 'Love Story'. From then on it heavy cuts such a Baron's remix of 'Mysterons' and alot from RAM records until finally ending with Pendulum's remix of Prodigy's 'Voodoo People'
The mixing is seamless, frenetic, perfectly timed. The track selection builds and all the tunes work well together. You can feel the energy he produces in the crowd. I don't like crowds personally, especially sweaty ones, but I would have killed to be there. 40 odd minutes of Drum'n'bass brilliance.

See the problem is I havent seen any recent horror films, which believe me is a problem. So in the hope of beng somewhat useful for you all 3 people reading this I give my opinions on older films you may or may not have seen.
The second problem being, why review a old and mediocre film, when either extremely good or bad is more interesting. Hence my use of 'amazing', 'fantastic', 'ground-breaking' etc...
In this case when I say that Braindead (Aka Dead Alive) is remarkable, it is because it truly is. And will you believe me when I tell you that it was none other than Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings who directed it. You see before his move to more mainstream flicks, he was in New Zealand making low budget splatter films with his mates. In fact "Bad Taste", an extremely low budget (took years to complete) film about humans fending off aliens who have come to earth to harvest humans for their outerspace fast food joint, was very highly regarded.
Braindead was splatter at its finest and is the goriest film I think there is out there. But because its Peter Jackson, done with flair, competence, imagination and only he can seem to pull off under such constraints.
The story is simple enough. Nigel is a geeky character dominated by his tyrannical mother, who gets bitten by a rare weasel type rodent at the zoo. We know from the opening scene this is not good, and as parts of her body fall off into her food which she then proceeds to eat, we know something is up. Nigel tries his best to hide his now zombie mother from the outside world, but it is only a matter of time before more are infected. Nigel continues to care for the zombies utilizing potent tranquilizers, and even sits then to dinner etc.. However an encounter between a randy zombie priest and semi-decapitated nurse produces a zombie baby. Soon Nigel's bastard uncle finds out and decides to throw a party in the mansion. It is up to Nigel and his girl to fend off crowds of zombies with a lawnmower. Enough said
The special effects are wonderful. Things you would never thought possible rendered on screen. A man stripped of the flesh from his lower body revealing his quivvering skeleton. A zombie baby reaching around the face of a nurse, splitting her face open whilst coming through the back of her head to replace her face with his!!! Amourous entrails! As you can tell there is much comedy to this film which makes even the most revolting of scenes bearable. The scene where Nigel tries to take care of the zombie baby who he has named Selwyn is a gem of a peach of a rather good apple. Nigel takes Selwyn to the park in order to look at mothers to learn how to take care of a baby. Of course Selwyn is in a pram forfeited with barbed wire. Nigel's attempts at playing baby end up with ripped toy bears etc... until Selwyn finally escapes the pram leading Nigel to resort to extreme measures to prevent a major disaster as the flesh mongering toddler heads towards the unaware park goers. By the end Nigel is stuffing Selwyn into a bag and beating the hell out of it. When he peers up at the shocked onlookers, he exclaims in reference to the baby: "Hyperactive".
Now cult is not a word to do this film justice, because it is actually a wonderfully produced fil, which no doubt was a tool in landing Jackson directorial duties on 'Heavenly Creatures" and then 'Lord of the Rings'

Because I like this music but not one of my friends do who I can talk to about it, I shall post my burning desire to rid myself of opinions here:

Andy C - Nightlife 4
Now of course he is inevitably the best technical DJ out there, and also plays the more harder/mainstream dnb music. His live mixing on about 17 decks/CDJ's etc.. simultaneously is astonishing. Sometimes you don't even catch snapshots of basslines under the main playing tune, until you listen to it repeatedly. The combination of tracks, his timing, switching and all is perfect. His first Nightlife CD is one of my favourite CDs of any genre ever. Amazing track selection, mixing and build to an ultimate finale.
Subsequent editions have not lived up, especially the poor Nighlife 3. Nightlife 4 is a step above of 2 and 3, though in no way near the repeatably lstening pull of the original. He packs in 33 tracks to the CD, at about 2 minutes a track which are mostly in some kind of mix at the time anyways. This creates the pro of having a huge selection of different songs on a cd, mostly unreleased and 'fresh'. However, the con is that there are very few stand alone good tracks, and the few that are are not given full attention. In a genre where individual tunes usually aim to be mixed briefly on the dancefloor than listened to in their 8 minute entirety on your home hi-fi system, this is ok. In fact, this CD has been growing on me, but will reach its ceiling soon.

Cyantific- Hospital mix 6
To be honest the best Drum'n'bass CD out there now is the cheapest. The selection of new hospital record cuts mixed seamlessly by the man Cyantific who I fell in love with after his early tune "Be True" (found on Hospital mix 3). Firstly, many of the tracks themselves are magnificent. There are 29 which is alot in such a short time, which can get irritating when a great tune is cut short, but usually it leads onto another good one so you forgive and forget. Its only about 5 pounds I think which is great value. It is miles better than Hospital mix 5 which really seemed like each tune lasted 4 seconds, and included alot of filler. But with the likes of the beautiful melancholy Calibre take on High Contrast's 'Everything's Different' to the euphoric 'Goldrush' by Danny Byrd as well as his popular 'Shock Out' its worth it for sure.

High Contrast - Watch the Ride:
What he lacks for in sublime DJing talent, he evidently makes up for in his own productions, and in tis case his track selection on the follow up to DJ Zinc and TC in this CD series. His own remix of Axwell's 'I found you'to start is a good opener. The only tracks I still have trouble getting my mind around are his own taken from his last album, which with the exception of 'If I ever' I find weak, half baked and annoying. At least in comparison to his previous 2 albums. But the one's standards for the boy are very high, so there maybe that element bouncing around my brain. The mix is very good and includes the massive 'Disco Dodo' by Lynx and my favourite Danny Byrd's 'Labyrinth'

Andy C Nightlife 3
This is rather terrible I must admit. Andy C needs to be listened to live it seems. But then did he not also produce Nighlife 1? Well firstly he takes the cramming approach of 28 songs in a CD over quality. And in so manages to curtail the few good songs on the album. The opening is disastrous. Benny Page vocals over Sub Focus' wonderful uplifting 'Flamenco' quickly meshed into the cheesy yet anthemetic 'In love' by 'Chase and Status & Jenna G'. 'Flamenco' has never sounded so bad. From there there is a bunch of huge dancefloor bassline floor shakers that seem particularly irksome on home listening. The only highlight comes with Mampi Swift's completely mental 'Black River' mixing into TC's 'Love & happiness" into a thankful 4 plus miuntes of Sub Focus' 'Airplane'. If in doubt rely on Subfocus. The remainder of the CD goes nowhere and ends with a pointless sweet vocal/huge bassline hybrid from Concord Dawn. Really disappointing.

EVIL DEAD II

Ummmm. I need to review a movie don't I?!@#$ An Oldie is goldie. So Evil Dead II seems lovely and bubbly.
Bruce Campbell single-handedly (hahahahahahah. oh dear) became my favourite actor on the basis of this, his really only good film ever. A revisit to Evil Dead scenario, so not so much a sequel, than a quasi remake.
The original struck such a chord with Stephen King when he saw it at a freak screening, that he financed the whole of Evil Dead II (or got someone to), which was in dire need of any money.
Director Sam Raimi's style and direction is so crazy its so obvious they had so much fun making this movie. All except Bruce Campbell, who was beaten the hell out of during the making- It being low-budget, and Sam Raimi's lack of concern for his friend's welfare, safety precautions where not really of much concern.
So the plot is a couple go to an abandoned cabin for a romantic getaway. The cabin turns out to be the gateway to an evil(er) world and the girl gets possessed forcing Bruce to decapitate her with a spade, and freak out in the hilarious way only Bruce can, when the only road over the cliff to the mountain has been moulded into what looks like a claw.
All the while, archeaologist girl with the aid of some hicks makes her own way to the cabin since the her parents, the owners, havent been in touch since going there.
We find out the Father and Mother were excavationists and found the 'Book Of the Dead' so naturally thought to translate it out loud. In doing so his wife turned into a Zombie, and his unleashed the wicked world, of talking cabins, sexually abusive trees, chattering ornaments and terribly monstrous creatures.
Highlights include, Bruce being beaten up by his own possessed hand, Bruce being throttled in fast motion through a forest, Bruce being given the finger by his own michievious severed hand, the Hick being literally mushed into blood by the old randy woman zombie in the fruit cellar, and all of Bruce's facial expressions.
Lots of cheeky, harmless bloody fun ensues. But the best thing is that Sam Raimi uses brilliantly youthful and exhuberant directorial style to make this stand out. There are so many wonderful camera movements, even rigged up cams, bizarre lens uses etc... The action is extreme, but again not gross or malicious to the viewer. The characters are caricatures and appropriately silly. A very cult film, with a slew of cult one-liners and references. The mkaing of is so telling of how the love of filmmaking with a group of friends can overcome any hardship.

A run down of what you are REALLY getting!!!!!

VITAMIN K - Made up by Dick Cheney in an early money making scam when aged only 4 years. His roadside confectionary stall read "My Kakes have vitamin K". He later went to school. Even later still mining the Vitamin K thing, he founded the KKK, which rapidly turned from the selling of cakes to hatemongering and recruitment of the personality impaired. He is now very adept at locking and loading double barrel shotguns and taking steps to ruin the world, armed with a slew of plastic K's and a clone army of Kato from "The Pink Panther".

VITAMIN C - Founded, named and patented by megolomanical Francois Camembert and his dog Camembert. Thought to make you feel good and turn you orange. Or is it turn you orange which makes you feel good. Ask a girl from Bromley.

VITAMIN B12 - Founded by a team of stoner scientists who recognised its relaxing properties. The team of 13 all wanted their stamp on the name hence the 12. Number 13 was too out of it of 4000mg of the good stuff to care.

VITAMIN E - Popularized by early 90's rave culture. People thought it made them happy, but it was the potent antioxidant that made them literally glow.

BORON - Mineral originally founded by Ming the Merciless in a dire Flash Gordon Spinoff: "Flash gets a Haircut, Manicure and Skips out on the Bill". It was then actually found on earth by Bert from Seasame Street. Claims vary from pectoral enlargement to jetpowered wingflapping abilities. No one has been bothered to research either.

ZINC - Like pot only faster. The forebearer of the Ganja Crew and Drum'n'Bass legend DJ Zinc. Muse behind such seminal tracks as '138 Trek', 'Creeper' and 'Ska'

OAK - This is a tree.

IODINE - Often found in a glass container next to the Amyl Nitrate in Chemistry class. Forrest Gump: "Mamma said drinking iod-dine is fi-ine". Explains alot.

SAUERKRAUT - Technically not a vitamin or mineral but definitely contains something. Personally, effects of euphoria, fat loss, libido enhancement, improved complexion can be seen within minutes. I am so convinced of this product you can buy it at www.makemeeasymoneyyoudamnfools.org.ac.spacetravel.uk

Anger- Useful in battle and arguing over inflated prices of canned tune. Detrimental when arrested by police for threathening behaviour with a spanner. Can cause heart failure and a red face.

Obssessinality- Causes proflic success in chosen focus, often at cost of an actual life. Forgetting to brush one's teeth, engage in social interaction and having a limited conversational repertoire are common.

Arrogance- You become rich. Everyone hates you.

Indecisiveness- Balanced thinking of pros and cons. Can always blame others for a negative outcome. Low rate of productivity.

Fearlessness- Live life to the max, until you die prematurely snowbowboarding off a cliff

Fear/Anxiety- Very good at avoiding trouble. Very good at avoiding doping anything. Life is in a static state. Side effects- constant mental anguish and pain. Substance abuswe to quell such unwanted feelings. Never actually doing anythging. Eventually seeing the error of your ways when it is too late freefalling half way down a skyscraper.

Happiness- Weight gain, disregard for others over behaviours to maintain own wellbeing. Inevitable 'crash' when realization that you have been delusional all this time and your life is rubbish.

Depression- Scientifically proven to be a state where one can more accurately assess real life situations. Anhedonia- Playstation, Will Ferrell etc.. become less enjoyable. Suicide.

Serenity- Selfishness through oblivion to the heartache around you.

Love- A state of extreme delusion often caused by an overwhelming need for a hole in one's life to be filled. Beauty, similar interests or just someone talking to you nicely could all lead to this dangerous emotional state. Behaviours and personalities may undergo extreme changes for the worse under the guise that life is finally perfect. Loss of friends, over-spending, bizarre arguments over errands and television preferences common. Inevitable awakening from hypnotic state leading to resentment, embarrassing public displays of anger, and sometimes violence. Depression, regret, 'rebound' effect and begging for forgiveness from 'I told you so's' ensue.

I'm going to Corsica tomorrow to do "stuff". For a month. This blog has lasted all of 4 or 5 days. Well done to all involved, which is just me and my Donkey Alan, the fact checker.
I'll wonder what it'll be like. I wonder if there are any mythical creatures. There don't seem to be enough in hot climates. Maybe because all the good hiding places get too sweaty for them.
So farewell, goodbye and farewell and goodbye.

Today , I invented a new path in contemporary music chimage and seismic kitschwear products. A band named "Gluey's kind of fluey", and their new straight from the bowels of the heart album entitled the:
"Castration twins greatest Love Songs" combining reggae wisdom and the new wave of tupaware supremacy into one enormous binge of coded fitchwilliamness.
Often noted as the pioneers of the scented French croquet scene, which has now been promoted by a fellow companion of Lionel Richie, kicking Sam Junior of haslam descendance, it belongs.
A lady resembling a tiger yearning for sedimentary oil taxes for the youngens and tea for her parachuting father Dan the Glen. On seeing her I felt the compulsion to approach her. Having done so I courteously asked her "Look at my buttocks? Don't they look familiar. I shall say to you this in confidence" I said leaning closely beyond any boundary of polity or decorum that one is bound to realise in front of any stranger.
Softly, I say "They are rather peculiar yes. But NEVER irregular" "I ate a Bat for Breakfast, A rat for Lunch and a Cat for supper. After I sat on a mat to Purge the Fat. How am I feelin'?" I ask.
"Monkey dues are ready for the next coating of sugar" she said. She was obviously mad and wanted more than her fair share of Rajan pie than I was willing to give. I directed her to the nearest closet and asked her to count to infinity five times and to stand on one leg whilst doing so, in order to prevent any unforseen complications.
I have not seen her since, but I still suspect the cupboard and her are by now either well acquainted friends, or feisty rivals for the floors affection.
Her name was Barbara from Ohio and she was blond.

JAM

Sketch show made in 2000. This is something you must see just to add to your own repertoire of life experience. It is simply the only 'sketch comedy' of its kind you'll ever see. It fuses a filmmaking mentality into the extremely extreme scenes. Ambient backing tracks of DJ Shadow and the like, often coloured, grainy or skewered cinematography, snappy editing, and stylish direction. This atmosphere and style goes hand in hand with the trippy content produced none other than the brilliant Chris Morris.
Unlike the Morris' spoof 'The Day Today' or satirical 'Brass Eye', 'Jam' is just a head fuck. The scenes themselves are often sick, frequently scary, always surreal and more than not hilarious. But hilarious in a way that only the strong will feel comfortable at laughing out loud at. For as funny as it is, it is also highly disturbing, which creates and uneasy feeling in the viewer. Those of moral insecurities will feel upset or denounce it as purely disgusting. Those of a more open-minded, less self-righteous nature will appreciate it fully.
The extras on the DVD take the bizarreness further by allowing the viewer to watch it on a miniature moving picture, or out of sync and focus.

LITTLE BRITAIN

For all its popularity, I don't like this or shall I say I never "got into" this. Not to say I don't laugh sometimes (About 3 times an episode). But it's laughter over something so stupid I could be watching someone falling off a bicycle to achieve the same results.
The sketches are of the lowest brow and don't have any real substance or wit behind them. Not that I am bitch when it comes to broad comedy. I've loved many of England's finest. But the fact that the same characters and sketches are repeated with the same punchline over and over every episode makes me wonder how long people can remain amused. By the ratings, a long time it seems.
Many of the sketches are pure shit, and use vulgarity over imagination for laughs (eg. the vomiting old racist lady, or the faux posh obese nude spa woman). If its funny to see the obese Matt Lucas dress as an obese woman, then I am missing something. Monty Python it is not.
How hard can it be to come up with something new. They have enough money pumped in from the BBC. Are they just lazy, or do they have nothing else to offer?

"Better than Botox" an ad says.

What can be better than looking a bit younger for a lot of money for about four days, and then going back to repeat the procedure over and over lest anyone find out that you, a 60 year old, might have a natural expression line on your face.

A few thousand pounds is a small price to pay for the loss of your dignity, the assertion of your vanity and becoming just another bland faced humanoid-societal victim hybrid. They should have had the foresight to take care of themselves 30 years back instead of snorting assorted powers and having rancid sexual encounters with multiple dirty "producers"

Then its only a matter of time until botox won't work, your skin sags and you have to get a surgical facelift. The doctor might also suggest knee augmentation and tricep extensions.

At the dentist yesterday, the guy asked told me about getting laser teeth whitening. He said my teeth are white, but laser whitening is very good. I was so pissed off cos I pride myself on the appearance and whiteness of my teeth. When in doubt which is often due to psychological concerns I use rembrant peroxide toothpastes, colgate and rembrant whitening strips, which are all safe and effective. Son of a bitch didnt even have good teeth himself. Its like a morbidly obese personal trainer.

i am listening to Goblin "oblio" as i write this, take from the original Dawn of the Dead Soundtrack. Goblin also did the music for Dario Argento movies among others. They are meant to be be some kind of Italian punk band, but much of their music music is beautiful in all it electro glory. Especially the one I am listening to now.

So extreme films. usually not nearly as gory as your average Hollywood actioner, but undeniably more disturbing. I haven't seen too many myself. Most produced out of Japan and suchlike. Any American equivalents tend to be Hostel or Saw types which are vacuous excuses for tortures devoid of meaning or cinematic relevance, which makes you wonder about how mentally sick the makers are themselves
These are some of the the extreme films I have seen, which are innovative, exciting and actually films:

ICHI THE KILLER
From the man who went on to make "Audition" and "Gozu", comes a film whose frenetic opening sequence already gives us some impression that this director has style, verve and energy. That the energy is directed into putting together so of the most insane images on film is not expected but executed so well is form as well as special effects that it is hard not to be compelled. The film concerns a really nice lad Ichi. A sensitive, vulnerable chap, he is brainwashed and shamed to the point of psychotic anger by his scruffy gangster guardian/uncle into going around disposing of enemies. Ichi dressed like a superhero equipped with martial art move and razor sharp add ons to his shoes, not only disposes of his uncle's? enemies but completely dessimates, disembowels and turns humans into piles of guts.
Ichi becomes something of a legend amongst the rivaling gangs, especially to the uber efficient and uber sado-masochistic right hand man of the opposing boss who develops a fascination with the elusive Ichi. Now this guy is not insane, just really into harming others as well as himself. A charismatic, fearful, brutally efficient livewire, he blows cigarette smoke out of two self inflicted slits in his cheek, goads people to beat him to a pulp, cuts his own tongue off, swallows a mans fist and rips off its flesh leaving just the skeletal hand, and engages in torture whilst making tempura.
This was the first movie to excite me stylistic in a long time. Brilliant shots, editing, beautiful set ups. The movie doesn't take itself too seriously, and has a retains sense of humour throughout, even though some of the more brutal scenes do undoubtedly shock. In fact some of the film is so barmy, its downright hilarious.
However, we do feel for Ichi, the central character, who is in so much psychological turmoil at what his is doing quite against his wishes, but forced to do so nonetheless. He often is crying as he slices and dices up gang members, and pleads with his uncle to stop making him do this. He is a shy, inept and sad. The ending for all its craziness packs in an emotional kick.

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
Wes Craven has done some good stuff- Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream...And a lot of rubbish I'm sure by titles alone. This however one of his first films will stick with me forever. I rented it thinking it was the 'Hills Have Eyes'. So for the first hour I was expecting mutants to come out and cause appropriate havoc. But they didn't.
The first portion we are lulled into an almost family movie type atmosphere with an innocent daughter making preparations to go off with her slightly more mischievous friend to a rock concert. its all quite wholesome. Then they try and score some pot and end up being kidnapped by a bunch of escaped convicts.
The rest of the film is about how low humanity can go. These convicts are psychopaths and the torture and beyond they dish out to the girls is so disturbing because the torturers' personalities have been so well developed through the film. All that remains is just the why? Not like in torture in yes again, Hostel or Saw today where you don't really see the psychos, so are kept at a distance from that which is more disturbing that the violence itself. The why? behind it. And as opposed to a shitty childhood etc.. these killers are given rounded features, but yet engage in the activities they do as we watch them descend further into the dark than they intended themselves. As Wes Craven says in the extras, at one particular climatic act or depravity the killer descend to, there was complete silence on set. He says he knew they had gone to a place so dark in humanity on film that he would never go to or want to again.

CANNIBAL FEROX
With the spate of found footage horror movies out now, one must pay homage to the original movie of that genre. This movie is about a team of documentary makers who go to the Amazon to film local tribes. they end up upsetting some cannibals they are filming and well, you can imagine the rest. Well I don't know if you can.
It was so extreme the filmmakers were arrested on release, and it was banned in many many countries. I can't imagine finding an original cut anywhere. Anyways this film, or the hype that goes with it has scared me so much i can't bring myself to watch it for my own wellbeing. I am so intrigued by it, but am so worried simultaneously about being overwhelmed or indeed underwhelmed by something that is supposed to represent the most extreme in cinema. I think I'll let it lie on a dusty pedestal for a bit longer until curiousity gets the better of me.

Its 4:01 am. I am 28. I am at home in Bromley. on the internet. Things weren't meant to be like this at sl. What happened to the little genius in tights shorts and purple blazer who graced the streets of Bickley with reserved yet witty banter and missile precision academic prowess? Do I blame the OCD, BDD, BPD, Axis I, II or III diagnoses. Or do I blame myself. Or a thrid unknown? Or do I bear it like a bed of nails.
Here are some films I made in between being sick (tone shifts to more cheery):

My First no-budget film. Watch it!

A short/commercial I did for Krups. I think its out of sync. maybe not. if it is you can see it on www.espressoshorts.com

OR

A hurried, no budget music video for Goran Bregovic's "sex"

This actually was a film made with money during a short film course. This version cuts off right at the last word. I'll call it an alternate ending: